I seem to have been a way for a while. I haven't left the internet completely, I've been blogging and working away over at www.salesbloom.co.uk on a entirely different subject.
I haven't really shared what's been going on in my life for while- I haven't felt in a position to do so, but now we seem to be back on track so I feel I can offer something helpful about what happened and how we got over it.
In September, this is basically what happened from my point of view: In September my husband came back from a wedding and said he didn't love me any more. From his point of view, this is what I think happened: 'In 2012 my wife got pregnant shortly after our wedding, she became snarky and angry to the point where I couldn't remember what I liked about her.'
When he told me like this, it cut me like a knife. Then I thought about how we'd been living together and realised he was right. Yes, he could help more with the washing up but it is worth making him suffer like this over it.
I had several massive realisations about myself over the course of our journey, after reading The Mindful Path to Self Compassion, which I highly recommend.
1. I got into the habit of interpreting everything my husband said about me that wasn't overtly positive, as negative. For example if he said 'what are you doing with this cheese?'. I would think that he disapproved of whatever I was doing with the cheese.
2. I would fight to tooth and nail to get my way, as strong women should always get their way. I took feminism right into arguments about who should get toilet paper, which is ironic as...
2. I expected my husband to put me on pedestal. This one is sort of his fault as he did this when we first met, but actually I am now expected to bring in money, go get milk and not swoon like a Disney Princess. I realised I expected him to take care of me, not just because I am the primary carer for our son and have to/ want to work part-time, but because I.AM.A.GIRL. How sexist of me? It's crazy as I know I am an independent person, and I should act like one.
I'm sure I'm not the first person to behave like this, but my husband did us both a huge favour by not, settling for it. We had a frank chat and decided that we would stay together for B. After that I decided I would completely ignore the impulse to assert myself and just agree with him for a week.
Surprisingly no major harm came to me. I did not lose my sense of self and I discovered that if I actually listen to my husband, we usually realise we are arguing the same point.
I think my mindful approach has rubbed off on him and he has started telling me how he is feeling in the moment and checking himself if he is untowardly grumpy.
We've been argument free for about 5 weeks now, and although we are still working out how to be a happy family, we are a least on the right track.
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
Thursday, 2 October 2014
On feeling normal again
People often wonder how long it takes to get your body back after pregnancy. For me it was roughly 19 months.
Right, this may get graphic- so if you don't want to hear all about my lumps and bumps please look away now.
I started feeling like my body was own when we came back from a holiday in Wales. I think what did was the hormones. This isn't based on anecdotal evidence, rather than actual science, but there seems to come a point after her first child when a woman's hormones make her forget the horrors of child birth and concentrate only the cuteness of babies.
J and I have decided now isn't the best time for us, but for a few weeks I was raging burning mountain of mummy-hormone.
Lots of helpful websites say really helpful things like 9 months on, 9 months off- that's great if you don't have any other major life events happen but couple a newborn with buying a house, loosing two close relatives and stress eating (plus just plain not having time to cook!) and you're looking at a long slog to lose the weight.
Being overweight after the birth of B was horrid actually, I'd never been overweight before but despite trying diets and healthy eating, then sinking back into piles and piles of cake it all just seemed to fall off gradually. About 3 months ago, at around 12 stone I logged back into MyFitnessPal in fat desperation only to be told that I'd reached my goal weight from last year. In June 2013 I'd been dreaming of being only 2lbs overweight, but in June 2014 I felt fat, fat, fat.
So normal is relative. But overweight wasn't the only unpleasant legacy my pregnancy left, there've been huge raised scars in unmentionable places, haemorrhoids, stretch marks, saggy boobs, and a saggy skin apron. Cheers very much 9 lb 13 baby.
The scar used to get in the way when doing you know what, and was actually downright depressing - I felt less of a woman- but that went down after around 18 months. This seems like a inordinately long time for a scar to heal, but apparently I'm just lucky.
The saggy skin apron is a bit less saggy, but I still need to wear a long vest under normal-length tops so I'm not conscious about it popping out.
The stretch marks are flatter and more skin coloured now, they're not ugly they're just my stripes and I think they're here to stay. This probably means they'll fade soon- and I'll start to miss them.
So there you go, this is how pregnancy has changed my body. It's not exactly as it was but it's now perfectly good enough for me to accept going forward. I'm worried about what another baby would do to my body, but not enough to stop me wanting to have one. I used to read blogs from mums, saying they were proud of their lumps and bumps and I though I'd never get there. But I seem to be there now- this is my normal.
Right, this may get graphic- so if you don't want to hear all about my lumps and bumps please look away now.
I started feeling like my body was own when we came back from a holiday in Wales. I think what did was the hormones. This isn't based on anecdotal evidence, rather than actual science, but there seems to come a point after her first child when a woman's hormones make her forget the horrors of child birth and concentrate only the cuteness of babies.
J and I have decided now isn't the best time for us, but for a few weeks I was raging burning mountain of mummy-hormone.
Lots of helpful websites say really helpful things like 9 months on, 9 months off- that's great if you don't have any other major life events happen but couple a newborn with buying a house, loosing two close relatives and stress eating (plus just plain not having time to cook!) and you're looking at a long slog to lose the weight.
Being overweight after the birth of B was horrid actually, I'd never been overweight before but despite trying diets and healthy eating, then sinking back into piles and piles of cake it all just seemed to fall off gradually. About 3 months ago, at around 12 stone I logged back into MyFitnessPal in fat desperation only to be told that I'd reached my goal weight from last year. In June 2013 I'd been dreaming of being only 2lbs overweight, but in June 2014 I felt fat, fat, fat.
So normal is relative. But overweight wasn't the only unpleasant legacy my pregnancy left, there've been huge raised scars in unmentionable places, haemorrhoids, stretch marks, saggy boobs, and a saggy skin apron. Cheers very much 9 lb 13 baby.
The scar used to get in the way when doing you know what, and was actually downright depressing - I felt less of a woman- but that went down after around 18 months. This seems like a inordinately long time for a scar to heal, but apparently I'm just lucky.
The saggy skin apron is a bit less saggy, but I still need to wear a long vest under normal-length tops so I'm not conscious about it popping out.
The stretch marks are flatter and more skin coloured now, they're not ugly they're just my stripes and I think they're here to stay. This probably means they'll fade soon- and I'll start to miss them.
So there you go, this is how pregnancy has changed my body. It's not exactly as it was but it's now perfectly good enough for me to accept going forward. I'm worried about what another baby would do to my body, but not enough to stop me wanting to have one. I used to read blogs from mums, saying they were proud of their lumps and bumps and I though I'd never get there. But I seem to be there now- this is my normal.
Wednesday, 27 August 2014
Help my son is a telly addict!
The title of this post is very misleading, as I'm not actually making a cry for help. Everyday, mainly through social media, I hear mothers asking 'Am I an ok mum?' I want to put my approach out there, as an answer: 'probably, yes!'
One of the big issues is about how many hours of TV per day young children should watch. I love the use of 'hours per day' which suggests that every day is the same with a toddler. This completely disregards those days which come at you out of nowhere. Things like teething, colds, teething-colds, growth spurts, days when they only want to eat, days when they won't eat anything, days when they randomly wake up at 4am even though they went to bed at 7.30pm.
This last one has been our life for a couple of weeks now. It's probably to do with teething but it's been rubbish. We've tried earlier bed times, later bed times, just putting him to be when falls over and the 4.30am wake time remains.
As a result of waking up at the rubbish hour, I now have a chest infection, which means that B and I have been sitting on the sofa like muppets for the last 5 days. B hasn't been himself, he has a little cough and cold too and the NHS website says that wee ones (and big ones) who have viral infections should rest.
The way, I get my active toddler to take a load off is to whack on a Disney movie. When we have a normal tired afternoon we watch a movie and he loves them. We've even spent one especially rainy Sunday in the cinema. This week, it's gotten a bit out of hand however. He's watched:
One of the big issues is about how many hours of TV per day young children should watch. I love the use of 'hours per day' which suggests that every day is the same with a toddler. This completely disregards those days which come at you out of nowhere. Things like teething, colds, teething-colds, growth spurts, days when they only want to eat, days when they won't eat anything, days when they randomly wake up at 4am even though they went to bed at 7.30pm.
This last one has been our life for a couple of weeks now. It's probably to do with teething but it's been rubbish. We've tried earlier bed times, later bed times, just putting him to be when falls over and the 4.30am wake time remains.
As a result of waking up at the rubbish hour, I now have a chest infection, which means that B and I have been sitting on the sofa like muppets for the last 5 days. B hasn't been himself, he has a little cough and cold too and the NHS website says that wee ones (and big ones) who have viral infections should rest.
The way, I get my active toddler to take a load off is to whack on a Disney movie. When we have a normal tired afternoon we watch a movie and he loves them. We've even spent one especially rainy Sunday in the cinema. This week, it's gotten a bit out of hand however. He's watched:
- Tangled x 4
- The Iron Giant
- Ice Age
- Meet the Robinsons x 2.5
- The Lion King x 2
- Night at the Museum x 3
- Night at the Museum 2
- Enchanted
- The Illusionist x 2
The poor kid looks exhausted but still I'm at war with myself for not encouraging him move around more. He just wants to cuddle up next to me and as I feel like crap myself, I'm ok with that.
I wouldn't like to count how many hours of TV B has watched on average, per day, this week but as soon as he's feeling better we'll be back down the park, at toddler groups or at soft play all day.
What's more, movies are a passion of J's and mine and we're excited that B can share this with us. Neither of us are overweight, we have perfectly adequate social stills, though we do both work in marketing...bit nobody's perfect.
I think we'll watch The Little Mermaid next!
Sunday, 10 August 2014
B is for...Business
Those of you expecting my back to work post are going to bit a disappointed. After 6 months of thinking I had it made with my interesting job and my work/life balance, I was made redundant.
I applied for some jobs but with so many marketing professionals looking for work, it was seemingly impossible to get something part-time. I had been spoilt at my job and there was no way I wasn't going to see B in the week.
So I have now set up my own business. After working in digital marketing for some pretty big names for 3 years (obviously minus maternity leave) I reckoned I had enough experience to do some pretty good all-round SEO marketing for businesses that don't have the budget to use an agency.
There has been a lot of chat in my industry about the 'one-man-band SEO was dead but it seems that the one-woman-SEO-PR-freelancer is alive and well.
Amazingly I've been making a pretty decent living for a couple of months now- obviously everything could change over night as the job security is pretty non-existant but until that point i'm going to give it a shot.
I applied for some jobs but with so many marketing professionals looking for work, it was seemingly impossible to get something part-time. I had been spoilt at my job and there was no way I wasn't going to see B in the week.
So I have now set up my own business. After working in digital marketing for some pretty big names for 3 years (obviously minus maternity leave) I reckoned I had enough experience to do some pretty good all-round SEO marketing for businesses that don't have the budget to use an agency.
There has been a lot of chat in my industry about the 'one-man-band SEO was dead but it seems that the one-woman-SEO-PR-freelancer is alive and well.
Amazingly I've been making a pretty decent living for a couple of months now- obviously everything could change over night as the job security is pretty non-existant but until that point i'm going to give it a shot.
Wednesday, 23 July 2014
Oh it's just 12 3/4 month sleep regression
NO!
This is just a post to air my annoyance at some parenting school-of -thoughts need to label every single thing children and babies do.
I've joined a Gentle Parenting Facebook group, because I obviously doubt have enough to do! (I do, more on that later) I joined largely to take the piss but apparently I'm more of a hippy-dippy mother than I first thought.
However, there are some things that annoy me greatly about this sort of parenting. I'm going to put the in numbered list now:
1. There are 'sorts of parenting'- Whether you're Gentle, AP, Helicopter, Tiger, Crunchy or Silky there's a club for you to join. The particular group I'm a member of (on Facebook) feature a couple of posts a week that start with 'I'm surprise that...' and they go on to state how 'surprised' they are that so-called Gentle Parents would go in for the naughty step or weaning before 6 months or whatever. I don't think you can whole-heartedly follow a parenting doctrine. We're not Ghandi for fuck's sake, we're a bunch of knacker women with limited pelvic floor control and we're all different.
2. There are specific words you have to use. Never say 'naughty', 'time out' watch your tongue at every opportunity. See above- I'm knackered, I try not to say naughty but sometimes I accidentally say banana instead of car so if naughty slips out I'm not going to beat myself up.
3. The 'phases'- In the group somebody actually said this: 'My LO is waking up a lot more for a drink now it's so hot, is it sleep regression?' No! She's hot. I've woken up for a drink every night this week, it's been boiling. To say 'oh it's just sleep regression' is to deny or children individuality and not allow them to just be in a shit mood. They're human like we are. When I'm in shit mood it isn't 27.5 year sleep regression.
I'm sure there a more, maybe add your own in the comments if you fancy!
This is just a post to air my annoyance at some parenting school-of -thoughts need to label every single thing children and babies do.
I've joined a Gentle Parenting Facebook group, because I obviously doubt have enough to do! (I do, more on that later) I joined largely to take the piss but apparently I'm more of a hippy-dippy mother than I first thought.
However, there are some things that annoy me greatly about this sort of parenting. I'm going to put the in numbered list now:
1. There are 'sorts of parenting'- Whether you're Gentle, AP, Helicopter, Tiger, Crunchy or Silky there's a club for you to join. The particular group I'm a member of (on Facebook) feature a couple of posts a week that start with 'I'm surprise that...' and they go on to state how 'surprised' they are that so-called Gentle Parents would go in for the naughty step or weaning before 6 months or whatever. I don't think you can whole-heartedly follow a parenting doctrine. We're not Ghandi for fuck's sake, we're a bunch of knacker women with limited pelvic floor control and we're all different.
2. There are specific words you have to use. Never say 'naughty', 'time out' watch your tongue at every opportunity. See above- I'm knackered, I try not to say naughty but sometimes I accidentally say banana instead of car so if naughty slips out I'm not going to beat myself up.
3. The 'phases'- In the group somebody actually said this: 'My LO is waking up a lot more for a drink now it's so hot, is it sleep regression?' No! She's hot. I've woken up for a drink every night this week, it's been boiling. To say 'oh it's just sleep regression' is to deny or children individuality and not allow them to just be in a shit mood. They're human like we are. When I'm in shit mood it isn't 27.5 year sleep regression.
I'm sure there a more, maybe add your own in the comments if you fancy!
Monday, 9 June 2014
Instant FroYo
This is my favourite sort of recipe. It'll probably take me longer to write the rest of this post, than it did to make me amazing instant frozen yoghurt last night.
(Image courtesy of messmakesfood.com - I ate mine too quickly to photograph it!)
- Take a load of frozen berries. You could use raspberries, strawberries or blueberries.
- Put them into a food processor.
- Cover with natural greek yoghurt
- Blend
- Scoff!
It was pretty delicious and great snack for a teething toddler1
- Take a load of frozen berries. You could use raspberries, strawberries or blueberries.
- Put them into a food processor.
- Cover with natural greek yoghurt
- Blend
- Scoff!
It was pretty delicious and great snack for a teething toddler1
Monday, 2 June 2014
Baby chic
We went to Gunwharf Quays in Portsmouth a few days ago and picked up some reduced - price finds for B (and Mummy and Daddy too). Gunwharf Keys is a collection of outlet shops and restaurants. (Zizzi's review to follow) The shops are full of last season's stuff- but if you're not a slave to current trends, this doesn't really matter. We found some lovely baby bits and bobs in Ralph Lauren and Gap.
Jumper £30 Ralph Lauren Outlet. Bandana bib from Poppets in Hove
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