A More Mindful 2015

I seem to have been a way for a while. I haven't left the internet completely, I've been blogging and working away over at www.salesbloom.co.uk on a entirely different subject.

I haven't really shared what's been going on in my life for while- I haven't felt in a position to do so, but now we seem to be back on track so I feel I can offer something helpful about what happened and how we got over it.

In September, this is basically what happened from my point of view: In September my husband came back from a wedding and said he didn't love me any more. From his point of view, this is what I think happened: 'In 2012 my wife got pregnant shortly after our wedding, she became snarky and angry to the point where I couldn't remember what I liked about her.'

When he told me like this, it cut me like a knife. Then I thought about how we'd been living together and realised he was right. Yes, he could help more with the washing up but it is worth making him suffer like this over it.

I had several massive realisations about myself over the course of our journey, after reading The Mindful Path to Self Compassion, which I highly recommend.

1. I got into the habit of interpreting everything my husband said about me that wasn't overtly positive, as negative. For example if he said 'what are you doing with this cheese?'. I would think that he disapproved of whatever I was doing with the cheese.

2. I would fight to tooth and nail to get my way, as strong women should always get their way. I took feminism right into arguments about who should get toilet paper, which is ironic as...

2. I expected my husband to put me on pedestal. This one is sort of his fault as he did this when we first met,  but actually I am now expected to bring in money, go get milk and not swoon like a Disney Princess. I realised I expected him to take care of me, not just because I am the primary carer for our son and have to/ want to work part-time, but because I.AM.A.GIRL. How sexist of me? It's crazy as I know I am an independent person, and I should act like one.

I'm sure I'm not the first person to behave like this, but my husband did us both a huge favour by not, settling for it. We had a frank chat and decided that we would stay together for B. After that I decided I would completely ignore the impulse to assert myself and just agree with him for a week.

Surprisingly no major harm came to me. I did not lose my sense of self and I discovered that if I actually listen to my husband, we usually realise we are arguing the same point.

I think my mindful approach has rubbed off on him and he has started telling me how he is feeling in the moment and checking himself if he is untowardly grumpy.

We've been argument free for about 5 weeks now, and although we are still working out how to be a happy family, we are a least on the right track.